Embracing Oneself’s Stubbornness
and other — what society would say — disgraceful traits too
Being flexible is probably the most idealistic characteristic that anyone wishes to possess. Being flexible means you’re cool. Being flexible means that you can easily adapt to anyone’s perspectives, thoughts, and beliefs. Being flexible means that you’re much more approachable; you can talk to anyone without having to worry that you’re going to have a bomb argument in the middle of the conversation. Or at least, that’s what I thought.
I used to wish I was a flexible person too. I kept denying that I am a stubborn person. I would always dismiss the backlash I got every time I made bad decisions based on my stubbornness. I would always think that my idea was better than anyone else’s ideas.
Eventually, the narrative that “actions speak louder than words” adequately hit me. Of course, it didn’t work well with others: my loved ones, family, friends, acquaintances, and many more people that I passed throughout the years I’ve been denying that I am stubborn. Being in denial was only making things worse.
I always thought that one day this stubbornness will go away and someday I’ll live my life peacefully without having to question things that unnecessarily felt untrue or wrong to me.
In reality, it’s never going to leave.
The stubbornness I had always hated will never go away, nor fade, nor hidden. It is one of many characteristics that is built or developed during the first five years of my life (the crucial age for physical, intellectual, and social-emotional development). I couldn’t control what happened to me, what had been done to me at that time, or what I did at that time — and I don’t want to know.
However, this stubbornness was getting a bit out of control. I would get irritated very easily; frustrated, and angry If I disagreed with anyone. In other words, I was a complete hot-headed satan. I couldn’t control the emotions that rush in me: getting angry at my interlocutors seems like the most feasible way of expressing my disagreement.
Arguing meant that I had to use my emotions to exaggerate my points so that I sounded more aggressive and persuasive. I would always believe that solely intimidating others is the best way to win the argument or to at least settle with it. There was no “agree to disagree” in my artificial manual book — that phrase was a stranger to me.
The Effort to Stop Being Stubborn
So, if my stubbornness is inevitable, am I going to be this, awful, hotheaded person for the rest of my life?
Yes.
Just kidding.
Of course, not.
One of the things that I’ve learned from having this rigid trait is not to try to remove the attitude or immediately reverse the attitude into a very much different person but to pretty much live with it.
Trying to remove or to change significantly, your trait — and in my case is my stubbornness — is only going to leave you empty.
Have you been heartbroken before? Or feel like a huge disappointment to the ones that love you? Or not being able to come out and express your feelings to the people that you love? These kinds of situations remind me of how we always keep questioning ourselves, whether or not we’re good enough or why things just won’t work out the way we’ve planned?
Trying to remove or to change significantly to the opposite direction that you’re in right now would most likely confuse your mind. It’s not that because you’re going to harm anyone else during the change to effort obviously, they would most likely be really glad that you’re trying to eliminate your awful traits and stop their misery. It’s because you’re betraying yourself for doing so — for trying to change a part of you.
Sure, you don’t like you — and I didn’t like me. But removing a part of ourselves, as a trade-off so that others can love us, is not worth it. Eventually, we will never love ourselves for who we are. It would always feel like anxiety, and nervousness is taking up a huge residence in your guts — and it’s not going to leave even if you ask them to; You would have the urge to let your true self back, but you just won’t because you want to become a better person.
At times, it will eventually get back to you, but you’ll constantly deny that they exist. You would convince yourself that they’re no longer a part of you — that my stubbornness is not a part of me, that I’m a flexible person that I’ve always wished I was. And the cycle keeps going on and on.
Overcoming Imperfections
Sooner or later, I got exhausted by the cycle that I was in. “It’s never going to change.” I thought to myself. But I was wrong. It can be changed. But rather than changing the trait, I tried to change the way I see it and how I handle it.
It is as effortless as acknowledging that I am stubborn. I am stubborn, and I get to arguments easily, and sometimes it hurts my relationships with the people that I love. I am stubborn, and sometimes I do idiotic actions without considerations, and a lot of times, I say hurtful things to people even if I don’t mean it. I am stubborn, and it’s hard to compromise with others’ differences. I am stubborn, and I often look down on people that can’t deal with it. And I don’t want to continue the pain that I have put everyone and myself through.
Whether you want to write it in your journal, or just simply think about it in your head, it’s completely up to you. For me, just simply thinking about it while daydreaming is enough to recognize and accept that being stubborn is a part of me.
What I didn’t like was how I came off as an awful person because of it.
You can have the best traits and be an awful person. You can be an honest person — which can be good because you’re not likely to be corrupt in the government — but being honest with a small sense of self-control will make you an awful person. You can be a hard worker — which can be good because you dedicate yourself to improve yourself and your career — but being a hard worker with a small sense of self-care, or self-awareness will make you an awful person to yourself, and your loved ones.
You can be envious and easily jealous of other people, but if you try to control yourself, and rather than being destructive or overprotective over your loved ones, you treat them well and respect them to show how you healthily care for them. Subtly, setting aside the jealousy.
I can be a stubborn person, and listen to other people’s opinions and take them into a huge account. I can be stubborn with what I think is right and agree to disagree with what other people think is right. I can be a stubborn person, and not be reactive and aggressive even if it takes a minute or two to breathe when things don’t work out.
Probably it takes longer for me to process information — such as critiques, counter ideas, arguments, different opinions — than any other people (only when it sparks inner conflict or when it’s intuitively odd) but it is much better than not processing it at all; not to think about it at all.
I live in content, knowing I know so little and so do others; know so much and so do others. Maybe, I will be stuck with my stubbornness forever, but there’s always room to learn and to process. If turning into a completely flexible person would most likely damage my sanity, then becoming a better stubborn human being every day wouldn’t hurt as much.
