Memo V: A Letter to Antonio
A letter was written by Sofia to her ex-lover, Antonio, to preserve the memories that will be lost as time slowly and painfully recovers what was damaged.
‘Dear Antonio,
I haven’t given a proper end to our story. I feel the need to let you know that your mere existence in my life still matters in ways I, yet, can’t comprehend.
I think about you first thing in the morning; the last thing when I’m about to sleep. I think about you when I see the clouds in the sky; when I hear the birds singing to my favorite muse; I think about you when the sun hugs my brittle body with warmth; when the rain cleanses every inch of my skin with its every drop.
I think about you for the tiniest insignificant thing.
In a way, it doesn’t mean I can’t move on from you. Forgetting you means losing a part of myself. Both of us could not deny that we are indeed intertwined, as if we are the same souls living in different bodies with different minds. I am you, you are me. I am a part of you, you are a part of me. Looking at you would mean that I am looking to myself. You are a mirror of my soul, a route for a profound understanding of my own existence.
Your absence is a part of a reminder that this is the life that I’m, perhaps, accustomed to. Life of agony.
The pain that you caused results in words and forms that I wouldn’t be able to create if this had not happened. In other words, even from the great agony, I’ve returned to my nature, my comfort zone: to live in suffering and find beauty out of misery.
I should’ve realized that sooner. Although I still hope this life of agony transform into betterment in the near future, getting a touch of it gave me back the sense of self I’ve lost many years ago.
With or without you, it is time for me to live and survive; to experience that living in terrible emotional suffering, yet comprehending, is possible — even if, a lot of times I’m lost for words, and death is more approachable than many other options.
Presumably, the universe gave me the ability to transform the magnitude of my abstract emotions into objects beyond my imagination. Hence, no need to feel guilty for any of the damages you have caused — even my experience of you is a part of that ability. We felt different magnitudes of emotions and there was no way for you to control how I felt about you even when you tried — it is not your fault.
For the ways I’ve wronged you, I deeply apologize. You are one of the beings I dear the most and hurting you caused me to despair. It pained me that you have to endure this grieve and loss of love. I am trying to forgive myself for what I did. I hope you are trying to recover and forgive me for what I did yourself.
Antonio, know that a memory of you remains in a special place in my heart. Whether or not you feel the same is not my business — and I would like to keep it that way — for there are truths that are never meant to be revealed to this world.
I will live in peace knowing you received my message and understood well what I meant. If that is not the case, I am willing to discuss it in the far future if our minds are still fond of the memories.
I hope the best for you and good luck in your future endeavors.
Sofia’
The letter was never sent to Antonio. Sofia passed away before she had the chance to deliver her last words.
